Why is life so cruel sometimes...

.... to the people who least deserve it???

It's no secret that I have been really sad for two and a half years.

You don't watch your husband suffer and die and not lose a part of your heart. There's scar tissue, that's hard and crusty and sometimes inflamed.

The worst part though is watching your children suffer too. Not knowing how to even begin to heal their hurt. Matthew is going through something that is life changing and frightening and just plain tough.

Again, all I can do is stand by and pray.

Lucas has his own struggles. Being just 15 when Nick passed, and a freshman in high school is really almost too much to bare. That time of life is so fraught with changes and emotions anyway.

Lucas had to have surgery at the start of last year and he just never got well. His doctor's were worried too. They checked him out for mono, leukemia and ran tests including sonograms and MRI's for everything. The final conclusion was that his immune system was weakened by stress.

He ended up missing nearly 6 weeks of school. Corbett has a required AP class regimen. It's a rigorous tough curriculum. It's difficult to make up all the lost work and valuable class instruction when you are sick so much. Lucas hated being sick and he hated missing school.

Apparently, Lucas didn't pass one of his courses due to missing so much class time. The OSAA regulations state that a student may not play a school sponsored sport if he carries an incomplete from the prior semester.

So, on the bus ride to one of his first regular season basketball games he was informed by the coach that he couldn't play. He sat on the bench-embarrassed and humiliated.

Lucas has always cared (sometimes too much) about pleasing his authority figures, about doing the right thing and never getting into trouble. I have a funny story about him punishing himself when he was only four. He sent himself to his room for being mean to Christian.

Lucas has more integrity than most anyone I know.

So, fast forward 3 weeks. He finally finished all missing assignments and tests for last year's AP Psychology  It was over 30 hours of work. He accomplished that on top of his regular schoolwork for this year. The work mostly entailed re-taking failed exams. The teacher was concerned that Lucas could cheat- so instead of just taking the tests- he had an open book and was required to write a paragraph for each question and the page number in the text book. One test alone had 82 questions. There were 6 tests and 2 assignments.
Like I said hours of work and all the while the basketball season is going on without him. He wasn't allowed to attend practices or ride the bus with the team. If you know Lucas, then you you know this was torture for him.

Yesterday, Lucas was informed by our athletic director that he could suit up for tonight's game. You should have seen Lucas! He was jumping up and down and happier than I have seen him for a very, very long time. I shared in his joy and I felt such pride in his accomplishment.

So he came to the game and-
sat.on.the.bench.
It was a blow out game and everyone played-but Lucas.

Afterwards the coach pulled him aside and asked- 'You didn't really expect to play did you? Everyone else has earned the right to play- they've put in the time and gone to every practice. You won't play tomorrow either and probably not the next game'.

That only leaves the last game of the season. If that.

Basketball is everything to Lucas. It's the one thing that brings him joy. He lives for it all year long.

It's the one thing that while he is playing allows him to forget about how hard our lives have become and how much he misses having a Dad. Tonight as I sat in the stands watching Lucas sit on the bench-I got more and more sad.
I heard the father's cheering their son's on- and my heart broke in a million pieces for Lucas.
He wouldn't hear his Dad cheer him, even if he could have played.

That my friends is just too cruel.

Here is a young man who has never missed a practice, always done what was expected of him and more and yet
he is being treated like he doesn't matter.
He is hurting and I am about as broken as I ever have been.

I have always tried to take a lesson from life's bumps and I know Lucas will too regarding this.

But there are some things you can't get ever get back-
the potentially best basketball season of your life
and the more important losses.

Like your greatest champion.

A-O River! Portlandia on IFC features the Sandy River

The season 2 opener of Portlandia showed footage of our property.
They filmed there last summer- at the Greek camp down the road (that's how we access it) and they also filmed at Lewis and Clark Park. Peter can attest to the fact that Portlanders love the Sandy River! Thousands of cars line the road on hot summer days.

I absolutely love this show- there is a saying around Portland: Keep Portland Weird.

Life's different here for sure and I love how Portlandia parodies that.
Check it out on IFC
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Christian has the O'Connell 'swag'....

http://www.worldsapartphotography.com/

...and a beautiful and lovely girlfriend.

Christian's girlfriend Hannah- (pictured here)- is so talented. She is a gifted photographer and you can check out her work on her web site.

This is My Story-- Ben Breedlove

When Matthew was four years old he was standing beside me while I was cooking at the stove. He said 'Mommy I've been to heaven you know'.
I asked,Really? When?
'Yes, when I was in your tummy. I loved it in heaven and I didn't want to come back, but God said I had to.'

I get the goosebumps all over again when I remember that moment. Matthew didn't know that we had some very tense minutes during his birth when we lost his heart beat. The umbilical chord was wrapped around his leg. We lost him for a short while.

I know that God has a plan for Matthew's life- something greater than we can imagine. I know that this life is short and blessed and that our reward will come at the end of it no matter how long that life is.

My elderly aunt is nearing the end of her life this week. She lost her beloved husband a little over 2 years ago. In her current state of twilight- she has been having conversations with him. It's comforting for my cousins to hear their Mom speak to their Dad- they will soon be together.

No one ever completely leaves us- really.

The following video has gone viral this week and it really touched me.  It reminded of Matthew's experience and the beauty of the promise. The young man in this video passed away a week after posting it on Christmas Day.   He's in a better place, the place no one ever wants to leave.

It's a bit windy today in Corbett....

Local weather geeks always run up to Crown Point to play in the wind. Today they clocked a 105 MPH gust. You probably wouldn't pick any time in January to visit, because it's a daily experience this time of year. Last time we had 121 MPH- we lost a stand of trees with root balls 10 feet around.