Excerpt From Matthew's Blog

I was very moved by this. I'm proud of Matthew. He has a heart for volunteerism and although he misses his Dad deeply, achingly, he finds a way to comfort others. I wish I could make it better for him somehow.

 

 

Camp Erin Changed My Life

-Matthew O'Connell

a couple weeks leading up to camp Erin I was riddled with anxiety. It pulsed through my veins and couldn't understand why. I didn't have anything going on in my life that could cause it, and have a lot of things going for me. Then the night before I got into a discussion about my dad and realized the wound was still very fresh. It was myself putting up a barrier to protect my heart from being exposed. I didn't sleep at all the night before because I was so nervous. I had no idea what the weekend had in store. I didn't even have the schedule and was just going with the flow. Little did I know what the flow had in store.

I am still very much a kid at heart. And only recently started seeing myself as an adult. It was a constant battle when kids would say "Let's go prank the girls" to not jump on board. Or when they wanted to yell food fight and throw food at each other. The first night they each brought a picture of the person they lost and we decorated picture frames. The kids each went around and talked about the person they lost. My eyes began instantly swelling up. I looked over at the person leading the discussion and said "this is really hard." and then had to look away before the flood gates opened. Luckily, with middle schoolers these moments are quickly replaced by farting noises in the cabin and telling scary stories.

At that moment I questioned my involvement with the Dougy Center. I thought that maybe I shouldn't be doing this. They tell you to know your triggers and if my trigger is them talking about the people they lost, then I am not going to be able to do the dougy center.

As the day went on the bond with the kids got stronger. One of the workshops they asked the question "who do you trust?" The majority of the kids said other people in the room and one of the kids said I was that person.

That evening we had our illuminary ceremony. The kids are instructed to design a lunch bag that will have a candle inside it and pushed out into the lake. It is to show the releasing of the person they lost. I was making mine and felt myself tearing up so I stopped making mine and started looking around and reflecting other kids bags that they made. I noticed this one kid didn't have anything on his bag and he was sitting there with his head down. I sat down next to him and asked him why he wasn't designing it. He responded with he wasn't creative. So I asked him what reminds him of his dad and what did his dad like. He started tearing up and so I said, you don't have to draw a picture, but you can write a message if you want.

We had therapy dogs present that the kids could pet. Most of the kids had very strong connections with animals. I mentioned to the group that they can pet the dog if they feel the need to. And he ran over there and berried his face in the dog. He then went back to his bag and wrote "I miss you dad!!!!!" And that is all he put on it.

During the illuminary ceremony when it came to his turn he started balling. He ran past me and I yelled his name, he paused and turned around and I gave him a big hug then sat next to him with a box of tissues as we watched the candle go into the middle of the lake.

Being in the role I am caused me to have to hold in my emotions. By the end of the weekend I was a bottled up mess. But when I de-compressed something came out that I wasn't expecting.

Monday morning I slept in and then started reading my blog that I started when my dad passed away. I was making breakfast and listening to music and something in me stirred to start playing guitar. So I started playing and started singing about "when I get to heaven, I am going to give you a big hug to make up for the ones missed. We are going to have a lot of catching up to do." The flood gates opened and I was sobbing while continuing to sing or at least talk at this point how I was feeling.

I realized that at that moment my heart accepted that my dad was in heaven. I realized that during that ceremony I let my father go. He was a business man and always went on trips. He always felt like he was on an extended vacation and now he was going to be back. Now I can finally talk about my dad and be happy again! I feel like a part of me has been restored! I feel like myself again for all this chaos of a shit storm happened.

This entire morning I have been breathing deeply, stretching my muscles, and enjoying my new body. A body that is relaxed, and no longer holding back. I am now looking forward to my future and a new start. One without my dad, but I will be able to make it up when I get to see him in heaven, then we will have all eternity to catch up. And I wouldn't be who I am without him, and he would want me to be happy and carry on.