dark clouds and a small ray of light

Well, I knew it was coming... that wall. Have you ever been frost bitten just a little? That feeling when the blood starts to come back to the appendage and the pain that accompanies that? I would say that describes what I'm feeling this week.
My poor friend Linda! I cry on her shoulder a lot. She's been trying to keep me distracted and from going a bit too far over the edge... What would I do without you Linda?????

Anyway, today I was driving home from Lowe's and I looked up at the sky while waiting for the light to turn. The clouds were dark and stormy looking- but peeking through them was the light of the sun and around that was the beautiful blue sky. I could only see enough blue to know it was there, behind the stormy clouds. I was just gazing up at it when this song by Third Day, came on the radio and it felt like Nick's shooting star.

Like God was letting me know that he has my hand and he has Matthew's hand, and Christian's hand and Lucas' hand and that all of us who feel so alone without Nick, really aren't. It doesn't make the dark clouds go away... but there is that blessed light.

Sundays are hard for me. We had our routine and it was the one day we were always together. I miss Nick and you know-in a weird way, I don't want to ever stop missing him. I want time to stop here so he's not so far away that I can't still smell him on the sweater I sleep with at night.

Friends and family keep asking how we're doing and I don't know what to say, except 'Okay'.

We are doing alright and we'll keep getting better, but just for right now-
in my world at least, the clouds have gathered and their shadows are long.

But there is that light...

For all of us who are missing Nick- There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For me, it's heaven.

Enjoy Third Day- Tunnel

Finance people should not lie to you....

OK, here's the deal- Nick had a 401K from his days at Essilor.
It isn't anywhere near what one would need for retirement but it's my financial anchor right now.
So, I have to move it into another type of spousal account which I did- (I hope).

After signing the papers, the broker asks me about Nick's OTHER 401k. I ask him what he is referring to and then he tells me- 'X' amount of dollars with 'X 'company.
Then he tells me that a guy from Peninsula Optical called him, told him about it and said mystery guy asked him 'to take care of me'.

First of all, I know he is lying because I had already had discussions with people at Peninsula and they knew nothing of this 401K, AND- they don't know dubious, crooked, broker dude and would not share private info with him if they did.

Now my financial future is resting in the hands of dubious, crooked, broker dude and I can not rest until it is no longer under his sweaty palms. By the way- this fund lost 37% over the last year and has earned only 20% over a period of 10 years of compond interest.

I would say dubious, crooked, broker dude isn't very good at finances OR lying.


And that is why I can't sleep right now.

XOXOXO,
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring!

Kimberley

My song just for today...

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Realization

Something has been nagging me, and it just worked it's way into my consciousness today from somewhere far below the surface.

Nick. never. said. goodbye.

After all those months of him being sick, I never dreamed it would happen so fast and we wouldn't get to tell each other things.

The whole thing is just stupid and cruel and I think you should at least get to say goodbye...

Kimberley

Well, life moves along....

I think I should just jump in the water here and write something.... anything about life as we now know it.
We had a beautiful service for Nick and about 300 people dropped by to pay their respects, which was amazing.
Christmas came and went. It would have been torture without family. Nick's brother John left surprises under the tree as did Sister Ellen. Unexpected extravagant gifts that made us feel loved and not quite so alone. They all went back to the East Coast on Christmas Eve morning and it was hard to say good bye. So many goodbyes... too many goodbyes.
My brother Kenny stayed with us for a few more days until my friend Hudson came to take care of us.
Because of all of our wonderful friends and family we haven't been alone and we've felt stronger because of it.
I miss Nick so much and it's scary facing life without him, but somehow there is a strength and courage that makes it possible to get up each day and move about. There is a purpose in raising our three sons, in carrying on as Nick would want us to.
Now I think I better get started on our thank you notes and acknowledements because you people have been so good to us, it's going to take awhile!
Thank you for reading, thank you for caring-
Kimberley