I need a lifeguard

We were discussing recently how drowning victims aren't always easy to recognize.
They don't thrash about loudly and make a lot of noise or commotion.
You just see their head, barely above water desperately trying to keep their faces above the surface
Until they can't anymore and they slip under.

I haven't written here for awhile

I feel like that drowning victim.
I am so tired and the effort to keep afloat is sometimes too great.

I worry nonstop about everything, everyday is a new hurdle to climb, a decision to make, a bill to pay, an action that needs my reaction. On their own-no big deal-but daily the stress of it mounts and mounts and mounts. All the while, still feeling the loss of Nick.  Missing him and hurting for myself and for our sons. 

They. lost. their. Dad.

Try as I might, I can't take his place.  I can't give them that sense of security back.
We've all had the rug pulled out from under us.

Nick took care of us and we didn't even know how much until we lost him.

So, here I am trying to keep us all from going under.

I pray daily for strength, for wisdom in all the daily decisions that are to be made and for healing of our broken hearts. 

I haven't been a very good friend or sister or employee or anything for a long time.
Please forgive me for that-

I'm just quietly dog paddling under the surface.

Thanks for caring,

Kimberley