Scooter Joy

I woke up to a sky of robins egg blue. 

 "That's it, I'm riding the scooter today!" 

The thing is, in winter a cloudless sky means cold temps.  A sunny day in Corbett means wind.  After dressing myself up in several layers I headed out the door.  Only I couldn't find my glasses.  They aren't just any old sun glasses.  The fit my face perfectly and they have these awesome yellow tinted lenses that block ALL glare and sun.  I wear them indoors sometimes because flourescent lights hurt my eyes.  I had a pair of these that Nick received as a sample from a vendor.  They are the most perfect sunglasses I have ever owned. 

I dropped them one day at the airport and someone picked them up within minutes and claimed them for their own. 

Dang. 

 This past summer Nick insisted on stopping by his clients in gresham to buy me another pair.  It was really important to him and it took a lot of effort.  I knew at the time that this was a big moment.  That he wanted to do this for me because- as he said many times last year- he could.  We purchased the $185.00 sunglasses and I felt loved.  So this morning when I couldn't find them anywhere, I panicked. My brother Kenny is here and he saved the day by loaning a pair of tinted safety glasses he owns.  They worked fairly well, but my heart was heavy.  I can't expalin the sentimental value my glasses have for me.  They are a symbol of Nick's love and just how he cared for us in so many quiet ways.  To lose them felt like losing part of Nick. I had to leave for work and couldn't look any further-so off I went in the substitute pair.

I. freaking. love. my. scooter. 

The cool thing about Nick was that he loved it for me.  Every morning he would stand outside the front of the house and watch me ride away.  Smiling, making some comment about his 'hot wife'  : ) 

I would always call Nick when I got to the airport to let him know I arrived safely and I would tell him about my ride- what I saw- how good the river smelled, all of it

. 

Halfway there today I realized, he wasn't there to call.

Today or ever.

I cried most of the way in. 

 I enjoyed the ride on this beautiful morning(Thank you God) but it was bittersweet.  Much like the beautiful blue sky that comes with the price of the very cold air, and the sunny day, tempered by the east wind.  Beauty and sadness filled my heart on this day.

I got home, parked it in the garage, hopeful that many more scooter days are in store this summer.   Tonight I said 'Nick, if you can hear me up there, tell me where those glasses are'.  I found them.

My beauty.  Thank you dear husband.

farewell to our golden Dixie

We had to say goodbye to our beloved golden retriever Dixie, this morning at 3:30 AM

She became suddenly ill and we took her at midnite to Dove Lewis Emergency Animal Hospital. They discovered she had cancer, and the tumor was bleeding out into her abdomen. We were shocked as we thought it was nothing more than bad indigestion, because Dixie- like most golden retrievers- liked to eat horrible, nasty, unmentionable things that made her ill.

We never imagined we would be coming home without her when we left the house, with Lucas soundly sleeping.

I will always remember the way she was afraid of the dark, and would wait at the top of the stairs every evening until one of the boys would come to bed and she would follow.

She couldn't sleep alone.

I get that now.

She had a security blanket, but eventually tore it to shreds. She had to have something cotton in her mouth, as a pacifier. It was always a sock. The boys have 30 pairs among them of mismatched socks because Dixie had to have a new one every day. If there was no sock available, she would grab your shirt and you would become her human pacifier.

She was the cuddliest, sweetest, most gentle animal ever. She loved to ride in the car with us and one year when the boys and I drove to Riggins Idaho she made the trip so much more fun. We were delivering my Mother's ashes to her resting spot and Dixie helped us enjoy what was a somber trip otherwise.

She was 8 years old. We all loved her, but she really belonged to Christian.

I was wondering aloud why we put ourselves through this pain...
Why love something so fragile, knowing the pain is emenant and unavoidable?

I think it's because we are the gift for them.
We are here to enrich their lives and it is our honor to care for them.

I was crying to God one day, asking why he hadn't given me a more loving, caring Mother.
I heard this in reply:
'I didn't give her to you.
I gave YOU to HER'.

And so it is with our pets. They are not ours-we are theirs.

We wonder if God didn't come and get Dixie to keep Nick company? I like to think he needed someone to retrieve his golf balls in heaven! Only trouble with that is the little scalliwag-would never give back! She was more into 'keep away' than catch.

Our hearts are broken once more because we miss her so much already and a huge hole is left in her absence. To be loved by our dog was a gift from God and in spite of our pain, we are grateful.
Rest in peace Dixie
Take care of Nicky

Thanks to my sweet friend Andrea for the youtube link:
God and Dog:

Clan O'Connell and Mai Tai's in Maui

Hey well I have been a sad sack -moping around crying for days... Finally something to look forward to! My birthday in Maui, my favorite place on Earth.
(Well, besides home).

The boys and I and our lovely Jenny are off to Maui for 7 days.
We booked the trip, pos space last year, before we knew Nick was sick.
All paid for- non refundable, so we're going!
So grateful for Jenny, our bundle of Joy who is coming along with us, so we're not so lonely.

We'll miss you guys and we'll post some photos for you.

We're staying at the Wailea Palms in West Maui.

We've booked a snorkle tour to Molokini for Friday.

Other than that, we're gonna
swim
eat
sleep
and breathe in that warm tropical scented air...

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes- I love you too!


XOXO!
Kimberley

My Valentines Day song for Nicky

dark clouds and a small ray of light

Well, I knew it was coming... that wall. Have you ever been frost bitten just a little? That feeling when the blood starts to come back to the appendage and the pain that accompanies that? I would say that describes what I'm feeling this week.
My poor friend Linda! I cry on her shoulder a lot. She's been trying to keep me distracted and from going a bit too far over the edge... What would I do without you Linda?????

Anyway, today I was driving home from Lowe's and I looked up at the sky while waiting for the light to turn. The clouds were dark and stormy looking- but peeking through them was the light of the sun and around that was the beautiful blue sky. I could only see enough blue to know it was there, behind the stormy clouds. I was just gazing up at it when this song by Third Day, came on the radio and it felt like Nick's shooting star.

Like God was letting me know that he has my hand and he has Matthew's hand, and Christian's hand and Lucas' hand and that all of us who feel so alone without Nick, really aren't. It doesn't make the dark clouds go away... but there is that blessed light.

Sundays are hard for me. We had our routine and it was the one day we were always together. I miss Nick and you know-in a weird way, I don't want to ever stop missing him. I want time to stop here so he's not so far away that I can't still smell him on the sweater I sleep with at night.

Friends and family keep asking how we're doing and I don't know what to say, except 'Okay'.

We are doing alright and we'll keep getting better, but just for right now-
in my world at least, the clouds have gathered and their shadows are long.

But there is that light...

For all of us who are missing Nick- There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For me, it's heaven.

Enjoy Third Day- Tunnel

Finance people should not lie to you....

OK, here's the deal- Nick had a 401K from his days at Essilor.
It isn't anywhere near what one would need for retirement but it's my financial anchor right now.
So, I have to move it into another type of spousal account which I did- (I hope).

After signing the papers, the broker asks me about Nick's OTHER 401k. I ask him what he is referring to and then he tells me- 'X' amount of dollars with 'X 'company.
Then he tells me that a guy from Peninsula Optical called him, told him about it and said mystery guy asked him 'to take care of me'.

First of all, I know he is lying because I had already had discussions with people at Peninsula and they knew nothing of this 401K, AND- they don't know dubious, crooked, broker dude and would not share private info with him if they did.

Now my financial future is resting in the hands of dubious, crooked, broker dude and I can not rest until it is no longer under his sweaty palms. By the way- this fund lost 37% over the last year and has earned only 20% over a period of 10 years of compond interest.

I would say dubious, crooked, broker dude isn't very good at finances OR lying.


And that is why I can't sleep right now.

XOXOXO,
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring!

Kimberley

My song just for today...

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Realization

Something has been nagging me, and it just worked it's way into my consciousness today from somewhere far below the surface.

Nick. never. said. goodbye.

After all those months of him being sick, I never dreamed it would happen so fast and we wouldn't get to tell each other things.

The whole thing is just stupid and cruel and I think you should at least get to say goodbye...

Kimberley

Well, life moves along....

I think I should just jump in the water here and write something.... anything about life as we now know it.
We had a beautiful service for Nick and about 300 people dropped by to pay their respects, which was amazing.
Christmas came and went. It would have been torture without family. Nick's brother John left surprises under the tree as did Sister Ellen. Unexpected extravagant gifts that made us feel loved and not quite so alone. They all went back to the East Coast on Christmas Eve morning and it was hard to say good bye. So many goodbyes... too many goodbyes.
My brother Kenny stayed with us for a few more days until my friend Hudson came to take care of us.
Because of all of our wonderful friends and family we haven't been alone and we've felt stronger because of it.
I miss Nick so much and it's scary facing life without him, but somehow there is a strength and courage that makes it possible to get up each day and move about. There is a purpose in raising our three sons, in carrying on as Nick would want us to.
Now I think I better get started on our thank you notes and acknowledements because you people have been so good to us, it's going to take awhile!
Thank you for reading, thank you for caring-
Kimberley

Nick's favorite people and place-'Camp'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZXt-va4qjs

Hearing Nick's laughter at 'Camp' his favorite place on Earth- priceless.

Remembering Nick

Hey friends- Nick passed away last night around midnite, at home, holding the hand of our eldest son.


Maybe later I will be able to honor my husband and publicly thank him for
giving me the life, family, home of my dreams.
For his bravery in the face of terror, for shielding us by remaining quiet and courageous.

Nick's wonderful oncology doctor's called today to offer condolences and tell us that Nick was an amazing man and the bravest patient they have encountered- but hey we knew that!

We feel his absence already and we miss him more than words can express.

We said good bye knowing we'll be together one day and that his life was far from an act of futility.

He taught many lessons and he gave and got joy from his friends and family.

Thank you dearest Lord for blessing us with Nick and for sharing him on this temporary journey

Here are the plans for Nick's service:

Tuesday, 12/22 at 3:30PM
Corbett Community Church

34309 NE Mershon Road
Corbett, OR

We hope to see you there!

PS: Forgive me for not calling personally everyone of Nick's friends today- I tried!
I couldn't get through to everyone.

Call if you have questions or....?
503-695-3382

Goodbye to my Brother in law and a great friend

It's a cold, cold day.

I want to swear... but I can't. My kids read this blog.

So I will just spew bad words in my head.

My sister's husband passed away today suddenly.



His name is Byron Dickey

He was good, kind, generous, funny, patient and I loved him

They were a good couple- the yin and yang thing.

He loved her, he loved her dog, he tolerated our weird family...

I always called him 'Lord' Byron, because he was just regal and awesome.



Good night my friend, we will miss you and we will always love you.

We're so grateful for the love you showed our little sister Laura and we will see you in heaven.

Kimberley

All I want for Christmas!

My song for Nick this week. I can't get this out of my head, so I'm passing it along so you can hum it with me today....

Nick is doing better....

I thought I would let our friends know that Nick is feeling a bit better today! Yesterday we went to the pain management specialist and he gave us some new 'tricks' to try. We have a bit of hassle waiting for authorization from insurance for one.
But the others seem to have made a difference in Nick's pain level and alertness.

We don't know yet if the Tarceva is working, but we remain hopeful.

Thanks for keeping tabs on him and for expressing your concern- we love you!

Kimberley

This is why I love SYTYCD!!!!!!!!!!

Legion of Extraordinary Dancers- performance on So You Think You Can Dance.
The grace, strength and beauty is amazing.

Christmas in July.... or July in...? Whatever it's funny!

Matthew caught a fish in the pool. Lucas O'Connell with Jenny O'Connell and Christian O'Connell

Joy hand delivered and packaged as a beauty

Jenny O'Connell is CEO of the 'Joy, Luck' Club.

First of all she got a non rev seat from SEA-PDX the day before the busiest holiday of the year! Lucky doesn't describe it. NO ONE I know would even think of trying to do that, it just never, ever works. For mere mortals anyway, which Jenny clearly is not.

Then she came and hand delivered a big bundle of Joy to our holiday! We had the best Thanksgiving thanks to her energy, compassion and positive spirit. She is 2 years older than our son Matthew, but they could be twins. They both have an infectious energy about them. Jenny lives in San Francisco now, recently transplanted from Upstate NY, eldest daughter of Peter and Adele. You can see, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. They taught her well.

There were tears on Thanksgiving.
Nick has always carved the turkey and made the gravy and his beloved rutabegas.
I tried.
I failed.
I cried.

Nick couldn't eat dinner with us. The pain took control at the wrong time, and he had to go upstairs and rest.
So we took dinner to him later after the boys, Jenny and myself ate our dinner together.

We took a glass of sparkling cider (one of our traditions) and we each took a turn telling him something we are grateful for.
Like getting a ride to the Burnside bridge for skateboarding at 5AM Sundays,
getting a beloved guitar,
for sort of teaching Kimberley to cook, etc...
we were all in tears and relied on Lucas to add the laughter.
It was a sweet moment never to be forgotten.

Thanksgiving is about appreciating what we've been given and nothing ever compares to having good people love you.

Friday night Matthew, Jenny, Christian and I took MAX downtown Portland to see the tree lighting ceremony.
We sang all of the Christmas carols we could remember to the entire MAX train, Matthew, Christian and Jenny danced a jig while a man in kilt played bagpipes on the street corner, Matthew fell in love for a minute with a cute curly haired girl, Christian enjoyed Greek cuisine, and a German tourist fell in love with Jenny on the MAX ride home. He kept us laughing and shared a Schnubel! story.

Saturday before Jenny went home, the boys took her to see Multnomah Falls, Vista House and the beautiful Columbia River Gorge.

Thanks to our lovely Jenny for giving us the best Thanksgiving we've ever had!

Well if any of you readers need a pick me up then you should call an East Coast O'Connell.

Because they are THE WORLD'S BEST!

Our latest team of do-gooders just left today (and yesterday).

John O'Connell is a ray of sunshine and he cooks GREAT! He shopped, he cooked, he hung draperies and heavy wall objects, he got Christian's car jump started.... on and on and on.

Sister Ozzie came too and she was our side chef and companion for Kimberley. I adore her and she really cheered me.

Today is Tuesday and Lucas is back to school. He has an untra sound scheduled for Monday to find out what's going on to cause pain. But he's well enough to go to school, and his VERY compassionate teachers gave him a VERY big break for missing finals.

Nick is still feeling the pain, but his spirits were lifted as were ours by the presence of family.

I hope you too, enjoy your family this Thanksgiving.

When we count our blessings we will remember you!

Thanks for caring,
Kimberley

I'm not gonna lie to you guys.
Nick is in a lot of pain. He is taking several pain meds for that terrible, horrible unrelenting pain and he is now sleeping a lot of the time- which is merciful for him.

When he is awake, he loves reading your comments on his blog: nicholasoc@wordpress.com
So give him a shout out!

Lucas missed this entire week of school. We are taking him to a Urologist tomorrow morning for a check up and to try and figure out why he has pain, when he isn't supposed to have pain.

Remember how the cast away's trip on Gilligan's Island started out as a 3 hour tour????

That's what I feel like.
Lucas' little procedure has turned out to be more than a quick trip around the sunny bay...He's been ship wrecked on the sofa for a week and "we want off this Island, skipper".

I'll keep you posted.

Thanks for the prayers, thanks for caring!

Kimberley

Good Morning~
A couple of updates:

Lucas had a procedure called 'Vericocele' on Friday. Normally the patient would be up and around the following day, but due to Luc's young age, his veins are small, so they had a challenge with inserting the coil. An extra incision had to be made to push /pull the coil into place. (I think that's what they said). So, he has a lot of inflammation and pain from it.

He is still home on the sofa taking pain meds today, Tuesday. He has missed a lot of school from the flu, etc... and that hasn't helped his stress level any. It took 2.5 months to get this procedure scheduled and he has been anxious over it this whole time, not to mention everything else going on.

We think he has an ulcer. He had one in kindergarten believe it or not, because the kindergarten teacher was so strict! Lucas is a perfectionist, need I say more?
Which kindergartner have you ever met that is perfect?
Or any age human for that matter....

We have a new plan for pain meds for Nick. I thought our first visit was a bust, but apparently like Dr. Sandler, this pain specialist has a few tricks up his sleeve too.

That's our quick update...

We're looking forward to Thanksgiving, are you?
So much to be thankful for...especially good friends and a loving family.

Extra shout out to my bro who gave me my very own lap top which I am writing this with today. Big Brothers ROCK!

Hugs and kisses~

Clan O'Connell