Happy Mother's Day to me

Meet Tessa.  We bought her today from an online breeder. 

Let's see now, the  East Coast O'Connell's made it three months- it's been exactly two for us between dogs.  We are obviously the weaker of the clan.

No one can ever replace my greatest dog ever-Dixie- but we miss her and we miss having a dog to cuddle with.

I have searched for weeks for another golden. They are really hard to come by around here.  You have to fill out reams of paper work and jump through ridiculous hoops.  Rescue shelters want to be co-owners- so it's sort of an open adoption.  One breeder won't even let you choose your own dog!  Potential buyers come and pow-wow with all of the other people who want a puppy then you all come back another day when the litter of puppies are ready to go home. At that time, the breeder chooses your dog for you. 
That is just stupid. 

So, I had to pay 1,000 times more than my .18 cent raise can afford- but LOOK AT THAT FACE!  I love her!

She's coming to my house next week, and we are excited to meet her and smell her lovely puppy breath.


XOXO,
Kimberley

Let the madness begin...

Well, I can't find the cord to upload photos to my computer or else you would be looking at what used to be my kitchen.  Work began last Thursday.  My awesome brother tore out the cabinets with the help of Christian and his favorite friend Timmo.  There are big holes in the wall board where new windows are going next to the range hood.  The wall between the dining room and kitchen is gone.  A half wall is going in with double sided glass cabinets above.  I am moving the refrigerator to the area that used to be pantry.

It all started with the non functioning appliances.  I always wanted a cabinet front on the dishwasher, (hate stainless and what else is there if not a cabinet front?)
so I couldn't purchase a new dishwasher without new cabinets.
Right?
It makes perfect sense to me.

It has been a very long 2 month process getting to this point, making all the decisions.  But I have had the good fortune of working with Don vonAhlfeld at Hayes Custom cabinets and it's been much easier with his help.  His brother Paul is doing the wall prep, framing, moving of duct work and pipes, etc... and I am so grateful!

The cabinet building begins today!  In the next two weeks I will have floors refinished and I will paint my walls. 

I have ordered a copper range hood and copper farm house sink from China at a smokin' deal. (Thanks again to brother Kenny).

Counter selection was made and then 'un-made' due to extreme budget considerations.
So I have got to get that figured out this week.

My appliances have been ordered and will arrive about the same time as the cabinets.
 

It's all coming together.

Finally. 

I will say it has been an emotional roller coaster.  Well, life in general has been up and down and mostly down, as you know for a year.  I wouldn't have chosen to undertake this project at this time but it's been a good distraction for the most part.  Something to think about when I am awake at 3AM...
Besides the fact that there isn't a dent in the pillow beside me.

Prepping for the kitchen tear down, I cleaned out all of the cabinets and found so many hidden treasures.
In an upper cabinet over the refrigerator I found 2 little avon ceramic jars with lids on them.  Inside one I found the sequins from my hand made bridal veil and the other held shells from the beach in Cabo from my honeymoon.  Well you know that started the water works...

I have been searching for the past few months for a letter from Nick.  I just kept hoping that he left me something... a good bye letter, some instructions, something that said what he wanted me to do with the rest of my life without him in it...
nothing.
But I did come upon a drawer full of cards.
Valentines Day
Anniversary
Birthday
Filled with loving thoughts and caring words
and I realized this was my message from Nick
and it's enough.

He loved me and I will always love him

Matthew and I talked about how weird it is to have the heart of our home look so different.  We have so many memories in that kitchen.

It surprised me how sad I feel about ripping it out.

It's kind of appropriate given our hearts have been done the same.

It's a new era for us, our family and our home...

Sometimes we don't have a choice.

Appliances don't last forever and neither do we....

My 18 cent raise

After being rated a 'superior' performer for the year, my performance based raise was 2%- which after taxes gave me 18 cents more to spend every two weeks.

Any ideas what I should do with all this money??????

a word of advice-do not post unhappy thoughts on Company water cooler after drinking a glass of chardonnay...oops

A Scholarship in Nick's Name!

The boys and I just came back from a wonderful dinner as guests of Pat and Blayne  Rollman of Peninsula Optical.  The occasion was the Spring Convention of the Opticians Association of Washington.
My brother Kenny who is visiting us for awhile was also graciously invited along.  Matthew, Christian and Lucas wore their suits and looked absolutely handsome.  They represented their Dad very well.

After a wonderful dinner, announcements were made and at the conclusion- two of Nick's friends and colleagues read a heart warming tribute to Nick.  I remember hearing 'cheshire cat grin' , wonderful speaker, something about golf (of course) and there were tears shed.  Our family was very moved.  The unexpected honor is a yearly grant to a student of Seattle Community College optician's program in the name of Nicholas O'Connell for his dedication in continuing education in the optical field.
We were proud of Nick before and even more proud now.
It feels so good to know he was loved and respected so much in his field of work.
He really didn't have any idea how many people loved him.
He was humble and would be surprised at this great honor.
Nick's name will live on forever in this grant- that is just so cool.

Happy Birthday...

Nick's birthday.  I can't say much except I am wishing so much that he were here.  I would make him coffee and bring it to bed in the morning with his paper.  I would give him a card and a gift and then we would have a family dinner later and we would eat home made carrot cake that is his mother's recipe. 
Everyone gets that cake for their birthday in our family.
I think I will make it tomorrow anyway.
Just because.
I wish I could say it: Happy Birthday dear husband.
I wish you and Thomas could go golfing on Saturday
and I wish we had a hundred more...
I wish you were here
I have a hundred birthday wishes...

sleeping beauty

Apparently I am not the only one who likes sleeping with Nick's sweaters... I found Lilly curled up in Nick's sweaters today.

Along the lines of 'What am I thinking"???????????????

Okay, well it started in January... My friend Michelle had some work done at her home.  I mentioned that I needed to update a few things in my house too.  You see having wonderful cooks in the O'Connell clan- 2 working burners on a range just don't cut it.  The oven cooks slowly and unevenly due to drooping elements. (uh... I'm talking about an oven here-).  The dishwasher is so loud we have to time it to run at just the right hour after drifting off to sleep or it will WAKE YOU UP!  One floor down even!... and the other little annoyance of the thing where you have to WASH all the dishes BEFORE you actually load them in the dishwasher.  My oversized island is well, over sized and topped with matte grey 6 inch tile.  The counters are formica.  Everything is 21 years old.   Nick and I talked about redoing the kitchen so many times and came very close to doing just that before he got sick
. 
So my friend Michelle gives me the number of her most awesome contractor.  And he is awesome.  When you find a good contractor you must do anything you can to keep him. 
Have you ever done any work around your home that you hired out?
We have and it hasn't been good-ever.  People do really crappy work, charge you lots of money and then run.  My deck needs to be rebuilt because of one such unscrupulous contractor: Craig Lee.  Don't hire that dude.
So now that I have the opportunity to work with someone who has integrity I feel like I have to seize the day.
Even though it's not the easiest time in my life to undertake this sort of stress.  And at moments, very many moments I have thought ' what's the point if Nick isn't here to share it with?  You know? 

Lot's of things in our home have needed attention since the beginning, but we sort of learned to live with quirks. Broken tile, squeeky floors, the front door sticks, the bathroom faucets ae backwards in the master bath tub and my shower door leaks. 

A few things we did right the first time:  A white kitchen with stainless sink and range top.  I loved it 21 years ago and I still do.  A good flow with a basically open floor plan.  Lots of windows and doors to the outside. 
The basic problem is that we were yong when we built this house together and at the end we ran out of money in the budget.  So it was always-'You can upgrade that later'.  Well you could, but you most likely probably won't.  Children and life take priority.  Hence 21 years of ugly.

So, for the past 2 months I have been trying to make decisions and figuring out how much ugly I can trade in at this time in my life.

Finances are scary right now.  Nick was our breadwinner.  I think we might qualify for food stamps on my salary.  None the less, I have a severe mental illness. I am not sure what the name of it is but it has a terrible symptom whereby I think I am a millionairess and should live in a beautiful palace with beautiful furnishings and a lovely white kitchen with cool stone and warm light and a HUGE over sized range hood over my Wolf range with big RED knobs.

So, do I give in and pick out boring affordable finishes and live another 21 years with stuff that feels like hand me downs from grandma or splurge on the one thing I have always wanted for my house: A beautiful kitchen.  But that means not doing things like repairing the deck and replacing the old LP siding...or any number of things that total $127,000 !!!! Yes, that is the figure I was given to transpose the ugly to lovely.
Granted that does include a steam shower. 

Oh heaven you are just a small few decimal points away!

I am going crazy trying to make decisions about the final product and I have driven my best friend Linda crazy with it all.  She is a saint for sure. 

So, I will keep you posted.  A lovely kitchen cabinet fairy godfather from Hayes custom cabinets is coming Friday to measure one last time before he starts building my beautiful kitchen.

I hope Nick would be proud of it.

XOXO,
Kimberley

Scooter Joy

I woke up to a sky of robins egg blue. 

 "That's it, I'm riding the scooter today!" 

The thing is, in winter a cloudless sky means cold temps.  A sunny day in Corbett means wind.  After dressing myself up in several layers I headed out the door.  Only I couldn't find my glasses.  They aren't just any old sun glasses.  The fit my face perfectly and they have these awesome yellow tinted lenses that block ALL glare and sun.  I wear them indoors sometimes because flourescent lights hurt my eyes.  I had a pair of these that Nick received as a sample from a vendor.  They are the most perfect sunglasses I have ever owned. 

I dropped them one day at the airport and someone picked them up within minutes and claimed them for their own. 

Dang. 

 This past summer Nick insisted on stopping by his clients in gresham to buy me another pair.  It was really important to him and it took a lot of effort.  I knew at the time that this was a big moment.  That he wanted to do this for me because- as he said many times last year- he could.  We purchased the $185.00 sunglasses and I felt loved.  So this morning when I couldn't find them anywhere, I panicked. My brother Kenny is here and he saved the day by loaning a pair of tinted safety glasses he owns.  They worked fairly well, but my heart was heavy.  I can't expalin the sentimental value my glasses have for me.  They are a symbol of Nick's love and just how he cared for us in so many quiet ways.  To lose them felt like losing part of Nick. I had to leave for work and couldn't look any further-so off I went in the substitute pair.

I. freaking. love. my. scooter. 

The cool thing about Nick was that he loved it for me.  Every morning he would stand outside the front of the house and watch me ride away.  Smiling, making some comment about his 'hot wife'  : ) 

I would always call Nick when I got to the airport to let him know I arrived safely and I would tell him about my ride- what I saw- how good the river smelled, all of it

. 

Halfway there today I realized, he wasn't there to call.

Today or ever.

I cried most of the way in. 

 I enjoyed the ride on this beautiful morning(Thank you God) but it was bittersweet.  Much like the beautiful blue sky that comes with the price of the very cold air, and the sunny day, tempered by the east wind.  Beauty and sadness filled my heart on this day.

I got home, parked it in the garage, hopeful that many more scooter days are in store this summer.   Tonight I said 'Nick, if you can hear me up there, tell me where those glasses are'.  I found them.

My beauty.  Thank you dear husband.

farewell to our golden Dixie

We had to say goodbye to our beloved golden retriever Dixie, this morning at 3:30 AM

She became suddenly ill and we took her at midnite to Dove Lewis Emergency Animal Hospital. They discovered she had cancer, and the tumor was bleeding out into her abdomen. We were shocked as we thought it was nothing more than bad indigestion, because Dixie- like most golden retrievers- liked to eat horrible, nasty, unmentionable things that made her ill.

We never imagined we would be coming home without her when we left the house, with Lucas soundly sleeping.

I will always remember the way she was afraid of the dark, and would wait at the top of the stairs every evening until one of the boys would come to bed and she would follow.

She couldn't sleep alone.

I get that now.

She had a security blanket, but eventually tore it to shreds. She had to have something cotton in her mouth, as a pacifier. It was always a sock. The boys have 30 pairs among them of mismatched socks because Dixie had to have a new one every day. If there was no sock available, she would grab your shirt and you would become her human pacifier.

She was the cuddliest, sweetest, most gentle animal ever. She loved to ride in the car with us and one year when the boys and I drove to Riggins Idaho she made the trip so much more fun. We were delivering my Mother's ashes to her resting spot and Dixie helped us enjoy what was a somber trip otherwise.

She was 8 years old. We all loved her, but she really belonged to Christian.

I was wondering aloud why we put ourselves through this pain...
Why love something so fragile, knowing the pain is emenant and unavoidable?

I think it's because we are the gift for them.
We are here to enrich their lives and it is our honor to care for them.

I was crying to God one day, asking why he hadn't given me a more loving, caring Mother.
I heard this in reply:
'I didn't give her to you.
I gave YOU to HER'.

And so it is with our pets. They are not ours-we are theirs.

We wonder if God didn't come and get Dixie to keep Nick company? I like to think he needed someone to retrieve his golf balls in heaven! Only trouble with that is the little scalliwag-would never give back! She was more into 'keep away' than catch.

Our hearts are broken once more because we miss her so much already and a huge hole is left in her absence. To be loved by our dog was a gift from God and in spite of our pain, we are grateful.
Rest in peace Dixie
Take care of Nicky

Thanks to my sweet friend Andrea for the youtube link:
God and Dog:

Clan O'Connell and Mai Tai's in Maui

Hey well I have been a sad sack -moping around crying for days... Finally something to look forward to! My birthday in Maui, my favorite place on Earth.
(Well, besides home).

The boys and I and our lovely Jenny are off to Maui for 7 days.
We booked the trip, pos space last year, before we knew Nick was sick.
All paid for- non refundable, so we're going!
So grateful for Jenny, our bundle of Joy who is coming along with us, so we're not so lonely.

We'll miss you guys and we'll post some photos for you.

We're staying at the Wailea Palms in West Maui.

We've booked a snorkle tour to Molokini for Friday.

Other than that, we're gonna
swim
eat
sleep
and breathe in that warm tropical scented air...

Thanks everyone for the birthday wishes- I love you too!


XOXO!
Kimberley

My Valentines Day song for Nicky

dark clouds and a small ray of light

Well, I knew it was coming... that wall. Have you ever been frost bitten just a little? That feeling when the blood starts to come back to the appendage and the pain that accompanies that? I would say that describes what I'm feeling this week.
My poor friend Linda! I cry on her shoulder a lot. She's been trying to keep me distracted and from going a bit too far over the edge... What would I do without you Linda?????

Anyway, today I was driving home from Lowe's and I looked up at the sky while waiting for the light to turn. The clouds were dark and stormy looking- but peeking through them was the light of the sun and around that was the beautiful blue sky. I could only see enough blue to know it was there, behind the stormy clouds. I was just gazing up at it when this song by Third Day, came on the radio and it felt like Nick's shooting star.

Like God was letting me know that he has my hand and he has Matthew's hand, and Christian's hand and Lucas' hand and that all of us who feel so alone without Nick, really aren't. It doesn't make the dark clouds go away... but there is that blessed light.

Sundays are hard for me. We had our routine and it was the one day we were always together. I miss Nick and you know-in a weird way, I don't want to ever stop missing him. I want time to stop here so he's not so far away that I can't still smell him on the sweater I sleep with at night.

Friends and family keep asking how we're doing and I don't know what to say, except 'Okay'.

We are doing alright and we'll keep getting better, but just for right now-
in my world at least, the clouds have gathered and their shadows are long.

But there is that light...

For all of us who are missing Nick- There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For me, it's heaven.

Enjoy Third Day- Tunnel

Finance people should not lie to you....

OK, here's the deal- Nick had a 401K from his days at Essilor.
It isn't anywhere near what one would need for retirement but it's my financial anchor right now.
So, I have to move it into another type of spousal account which I did- (I hope).

After signing the papers, the broker asks me about Nick's OTHER 401k. I ask him what he is referring to and then he tells me- 'X' amount of dollars with 'X 'company.
Then he tells me that a guy from Peninsula Optical called him, told him about it and said mystery guy asked him 'to take care of me'.

First of all, I know he is lying because I had already had discussions with people at Peninsula and they knew nothing of this 401K, AND- they don't know dubious, crooked, broker dude and would not share private info with him if they did.

Now my financial future is resting in the hands of dubious, crooked, broker dude and I can not rest until it is no longer under his sweaty palms. By the way- this fund lost 37% over the last year and has earned only 20% over a period of 10 years of compond interest.

I would say dubious, crooked, broker dude isn't very good at finances OR lying.


And that is why I can't sleep right now.

XOXOXO,
Thanks for reading, thanks for caring!

Kimberley

My song just for today...

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Realization

Something has been nagging me, and it just worked it's way into my consciousness today from somewhere far below the surface.

Nick. never. said. goodbye.

After all those months of him being sick, I never dreamed it would happen so fast and we wouldn't get to tell each other things.

The whole thing is just stupid and cruel and I think you should at least get to say goodbye...

Kimberley

Well, life moves along....

I think I should just jump in the water here and write something.... anything about life as we now know it.
We had a beautiful service for Nick and about 300 people dropped by to pay their respects, which was amazing.
Christmas came and went. It would have been torture without family. Nick's brother John left surprises under the tree as did Sister Ellen. Unexpected extravagant gifts that made us feel loved and not quite so alone. They all went back to the East Coast on Christmas Eve morning and it was hard to say good bye. So many goodbyes... too many goodbyes.
My brother Kenny stayed with us for a few more days until my friend Hudson came to take care of us.
Because of all of our wonderful friends and family we haven't been alone and we've felt stronger because of it.
I miss Nick so much and it's scary facing life without him, but somehow there is a strength and courage that makes it possible to get up each day and move about. There is a purpose in raising our three sons, in carrying on as Nick would want us to.
Now I think I better get started on our thank you notes and acknowledements because you people have been so good to us, it's going to take awhile!
Thank you for reading, thank you for caring-
Kimberley

Nick's favorite people and place-'Camp'

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZXt-va4qjs

Hearing Nick's laughter at 'Camp' his favorite place on Earth- priceless.

Remembering Nick

Hey friends- Nick passed away last night around midnite, at home, holding the hand of our eldest son.


Maybe later I will be able to honor my husband and publicly thank him for
giving me the life, family, home of my dreams.
For his bravery in the face of terror, for shielding us by remaining quiet and courageous.

Nick's wonderful oncology doctor's called today to offer condolences and tell us that Nick was an amazing man and the bravest patient they have encountered- but hey we knew that!

We feel his absence already and we miss him more than words can express.

We said good bye knowing we'll be together one day and that his life was far from an act of futility.

He taught many lessons and he gave and got joy from his friends and family.

Thank you dearest Lord for blessing us with Nick and for sharing him on this temporary journey

Here are the plans for Nick's service:

Tuesday, 12/22 at 3:30PM
Corbett Community Church

34309 NE Mershon Road
Corbett, OR

We hope to see you there!

PS: Forgive me for not calling personally everyone of Nick's friends today- I tried!
I couldn't get through to everyone.

Call if you have questions or....?
503-695-3382

Goodbye to my Brother in law and a great friend

It's a cold, cold day.

I want to swear... but I can't. My kids read this blog.

So I will just spew bad words in my head.

My sister's husband passed away today suddenly.



His name is Byron Dickey

He was good, kind, generous, funny, patient and I loved him

They were a good couple- the yin and yang thing.

He loved her, he loved her dog, he tolerated our weird family...

I always called him 'Lord' Byron, because he was just regal and awesome.



Good night my friend, we will miss you and we will always love you.

We're so grateful for the love you showed our little sister Laura and we will see you in heaven.

Kimberley

All I want for Christmas!

My song for Nick this week. I can't get this out of my head, so I'm passing it along so you can hum it with me today....