Friday eve, October 27th, 2006- we gathered at my home to honor and remember my brother Miles. I finally finished the slide show at 5AM- leaving me with two hours sleep for the night. My brother Kenny, my sister Denice, my niece Raelynn and her fiance Cory, my nephew Patrick and his son Caleb came. Our sister Laura couldn't make it down from Seattle due to illness, as well as our older brother Mickey. Our brother Sonny and sister Bonnie Jean didn't come. They both live out of the area and couldn't travel. It disappointed me more than I let on- but I was grateful for friends and family who were able to come and offer their support. The following morning- we had brunch with my brother's dear friends- John, Corky and Chuck. We've known them since we were babies and they were more like family to Miles then anyone. It was good to connect and spend the morning telling stories and reminiscing about our childhood experiences. The photo is of us, in my entry- as they left. We promised to connect again in the summer and I hope we do. There are things you know intellectually and there are things you know absolutely. I absolutely know that relationships are the key to happiness. As humans we are relational and the best life is lived caring for and about others. It's too late for me to tell my brother how much I loved him unconditionally. I hope he knew, but I doubt it. Is there someone in your life you could love better? If so- don't wait. There's a day for all of us when tomorrow never comes. And another absolute truth is that regret is the worst feeling.

Preparing to say Goodbye....
Today, Kenny and Denice and I made arrangements for my brother Miles. He is being cremated. Denice will have possesion of his remains. Only fitting since she is his full blooded sister, and they were very close. Having gone through this with my mother only 5 months ago, it was somewhat easier- knowing what questions to ask and having the required information handy. Knowing that you don't need more than one death certificate, and where to buy an urn. I then came home and sorted through what few pictures I have to prepare his slide show. Almost every photo was of the three- Kenny, Miles and 'Sissy' . They are a pod. Three peas in a pod. (Pictured here together, left to right-Kenny, Miles and Denice about 1957) There are about 50 pictures between the years of 1951 and 1958- then there are very few. I guess by the time our Mother had me and my sister Laura, there wasn't much time left for pictures. She certainly had her hands full with the 5 of us- and no help financial or otherwise.


I also found something else in the box of pictures- a letter to my Mother from Miles- that year he went to live with his Dad in Lewiston, Idaho. When he was 12 and I was 6. He wrote-" Kimberley thinks I don't love her anymore- tell her I do love her." Then he promised to send presents. He was the only present I wanted that year.

I've been told that when you lose a limb-you have phantom feelings. You know, an itch that you can't scratch- or a cramp that you can't rub away. It's like that- losing a brother.

He's gone but I can still feel him. I can still hear his voice in my head- 'MMMMM-Hi sis'. The MMMM was like a low drawn out hum. He always said it the same way. And always with a small smirk on his face.

We lost our Mother, Billie in May of this year. May 7th to be exact. If losing a brother feels like losing a limb- losing your Mother is another sensation all together.

When I stop to fully realize she is gone- the air in my lungs gets really cold- like I swallowed ice crystals, and I swear my heart stops- just for one beat, and then I catch my breath again.

My Mother and my brother are gone- severed from my life- but the phantom feelings don't go away.

I have an itch that I can't scratch-

I have a deep, searing pain that can't be rubbed away.

Parts of me- important parts-have been irrevocably severed.

I miss them.

I have four brothers, all of whom are older than I. Much older even. I grew up with 2 of them- Kenny and Miles. Miles died 10/17/2006. He was found lifeless, hunched over beside his bed yesterday afternoon, by our sister Denice. Denice and Miles were born a year a part (exactly) and were almost like twins in their togetherness.

(Pictured here together )

My memories of Miles are few- but they are fond. Growing up in a single parent household, our Mother worked many hours every day and many times on week-ends too. We didn't have money for anything other than essentials. Baby sitters and day care were not considered essential. So, we 5 siblings cared for each other. My brother Kenny for Miles, and although she was younger- my sister Denice for Miles too. I took care of my younger sister Laura. Miles was the brother that always had time for me.

My favorite memory is of him taking me for a ride on his bike. We lived at 1922 NE Terry St. at the time. (We moved 5 times in my life) I was 6, he was 12. He said, 'you wanna go to Freddie's with me? Hop on the bike'! 42 years later- I still recall this event as though it were yesterday. I was over joyed to be included in my big brother's plans and I loved riding bikes. So, off we went the 5 blocks across 2 very busy streets to Fred Meyer's. We would spend hours there reading the comic books and maybe if we were lucky and had some change- we would buy a piece of candy. Shortly after this summer, when I was 6 and Miles 12, he went to live with his dad in Lewiston, ID. I remember missing him so much, and crying in my bed at night for him to come home. I remember soaking my pillow so much with my salty tears, I had to turn it over to the 'dry' side to sleep. I never again got to spend much time with him as he was always living somewhere else.

My other fond memory is from just a few years ago- I needed help to bring in the hay from the field and stack it in the barn. It is much too big of a job for one small person and when Miles heard I was attempting it alone-he came and saved the day helping to toss 5 ton of hay on a very hot, humid August day.

Whenever I really needed someone -he was there.

As much as he could be.

Miles spent most of his life behind bars. He was one who always seemed to find trouble. Stealing cars, wacky lottery ticket schemes, anything to support himself. As he didn't seem to be able to maintain a job. He was lacking coping skills and didn't have the ability to rationalise very well. He also seemed to suffer from depression in his later years, and unfortunately found drugs to be a way of self medicating that depression. He was the kind of guy you might look at and judge harshly given his record and history. But he was so much more than the world saw.
More on that later....