Saying goodbye-again.

My sweet friend Patrick Borter lost his battle to cancer on July 13th.  It's a really sad day for everyone who loved him, especially his wife Nyna. When God delivers the love of your life to you, you can bet it's going to be an amazing relationship.  I believe Nyna is an angel sent from heaven to bring joy to the last year's of Pat's life. 
And she did.  God is good!  Even though he didn't answer the prayer we wanted, he took care of Patrick by providing a devoted companion- a soul mate- so Pat didn't have to walk this hard journey alone.  How powerful is that???

Patrick and Nyna:

So I am praying for Nyna, for strength, for peace and for comfort.

I'm posting something here that is a special memory for me.  A duet I did with Patrick at Discovery church.  The lyrics fit Patrick. They are true of God and they are true of him.  He was humble, compassionate, caring, talented and funny.

 I hope he and my husband Nick are rocking out with Angels Heavenly Band together!  Nick on bass, Patrick on acoustic guitar- singing with abandon.

The Borter family: Please keep them in your prayers!

 

Excerpt From Matthew's Blog

I was very moved by this. I'm proud of Matthew. He has a heart for volunteerism and although he misses his Dad deeply, achingly, he finds a way to comfort others. I wish I could make it better for him somehow.

 

 

Camp Erin Changed My Life

-Matthew O'Connell

a couple weeks leading up to camp Erin I was riddled with anxiety. It pulsed through my veins and couldn't understand why. I didn't have anything going on in my life that could cause it, and have a lot of things going for me. Then the night before I got into a discussion about my dad and realized the wound was still very fresh. It was myself putting up a barrier to protect my heart from being exposed. I didn't sleep at all the night before because I was so nervous. I had no idea what the weekend had in store. I didn't even have the schedule and was just going with the flow. Little did I know what the flow had in store.

I am still very much a kid at heart. And only recently started seeing myself as an adult. It was a constant battle when kids would say "Let's go prank the girls" to not jump on board. Or when they wanted to yell food fight and throw food at each other. The first night they each brought a picture of the person they lost and we decorated picture frames. The kids each went around and talked about the person they lost. My eyes began instantly swelling up. I looked over at the person leading the discussion and said "this is really hard." and then had to look away before the flood gates opened. Luckily, with middle schoolers these moments are quickly replaced by farting noises in the cabin and telling scary stories.

At that moment I questioned my involvement with the Dougy Center. I thought that maybe I shouldn't be doing this. They tell you to know your triggers and if my trigger is them talking about the people they lost, then I am not going to be able to do the dougy center.

As the day went on the bond with the kids got stronger. One of the workshops they asked the question "who do you trust?" The majority of the kids said other people in the room and one of the kids said I was that person.

That evening we had our illuminary ceremony. The kids are instructed to design a lunch bag that will have a candle inside it and pushed out into the lake. It is to show the releasing of the person they lost. I was making mine and felt myself tearing up so I stopped making mine and started looking around and reflecting other kids bags that they made. I noticed this one kid didn't have anything on his bag and he was sitting there with his head down. I sat down next to him and asked him why he wasn't designing it. He responded with he wasn't creative. So I asked him what reminds him of his dad and what did his dad like. He started tearing up and so I said, you don't have to draw a picture, but you can write a message if you want.

We had therapy dogs present that the kids could pet. Most of the kids had very strong connections with animals. I mentioned to the group that they can pet the dog if they feel the need to. And he ran over there and berried his face in the dog. He then went back to his bag and wrote "I miss you dad!!!!!" And that is all he put on it.

During the illuminary ceremony when it came to his turn he started balling. He ran past me and I yelled his name, he paused and turned around and I gave him a big hug then sat next to him with a box of tissues as we watched the candle go into the middle of the lake.

Being in the role I am caused me to have to hold in my emotions. By the end of the weekend I was a bottled up mess. But when I de-compressed something came out that I wasn't expecting.

Monday morning I slept in and then started reading my blog that I started when my dad passed away. I was making breakfast and listening to music and something in me stirred to start playing guitar. So I started playing and started singing about "when I get to heaven, I am going to give you a big hug to make up for the ones missed. We are going to have a lot of catching up to do." The flood gates opened and I was sobbing while continuing to sing or at least talk at this point how I was feeling.

I realized that at that moment my heart accepted that my dad was in heaven. I realized that during that ceremony I let my father go. He was a business man and always went on trips. He always felt like he was on an extended vacation and now he was going to be back. Now I can finally talk about my dad and be happy again! I feel like a part of me has been restored! I feel like myself again for all this chaos of a shit storm happened.

This entire morning I have been breathing deeply, stretching my muscles, and enjoying my new body. A body that is relaxed, and no longer holding back. I am now looking forward to my future and a new start. One without my dad, but I will be able to make it up when I get to see him in heaven, then we will have all eternity to catch up. And I wouldn't be who I am without him, and he would want me to be happy and carry on. 

BAM!

Hey Terry Porter!
My kid blocked your kid!

And it was awesome!

Popsicle toes

I woke up shivering

and I remembered what it felt like

to warm my feet under yours

Finding Oregon

I had to add this stunning movie- of our State in all it's diversified glory.  This is why we endure rainy, gloomy days for months on end- there isn't anywhere more beautiful.

Finding Portland

A beautiful timelapse of Portland and surrounding areas including Vista house in Corbett. 

Remembering Nick...

...on his birthday.  I think we will make Joyce's recipe carrot cake.

10 Things About Portland That Are Actually, Genuinely, Non-Ironically Weird - The Frisky

10 Things About Portland That Are Actually, Genuinely, Non-Ironically Weird - The Frisky

I am a BIG fan of Portlandia- I have lived here my whole life and the parodies are spot on.  Every thing about this article is true.  Portlanders are so wonderfully weird.

Jenny is a firefly-(cuz she lights the world)Flash Mob for Whitney Houston

I wanna dance with somebody!
This is on my top ten bucket list- to dance in a flash mob. 
My niece Jenny O'Connell is an inspiration to all of us who know and love her.  This flash mob to pay tribute to Whitney Houston made me cry.  Not sure why????
 In any case I was smiling through my tears.

Lesson from Jenny- Live life with abandon!

Love you Jenny!

RIP Whitney Houston

The future?

I had an awesome evening with a few of my Corbett girlfriends.  My possie.  My BFF's.

We went to see the movie- This Means War- starring Reese Witherspoon.  Cute movie- hunky handsome co-stars so what's not to like? 

Then we went to McMenamin's Edgefield and dinner at Restaurant Di Pompeii.

 

A fun night, and as always with girlfriends- it was good to chat and catch up.  One thing that came up in conversation with a few of us who find ourselves single, is that we can't see our future.

 

When you are happily married and raising children you look forward and you have a plan.  Now, those plans are impossible.  Erased from the big white board of our lives.

When I stare out I see.... nothing.

 

My friend said she sees loneliness in a big empty house.  I don't think I am going to be able to afford to keep my house much longer, So I don't even see that.  It's a bit scary.

But mostly just...strange.

 

It's surreal to have dreams and hopes and plans and then all of a sudden be faced with a detour and you don't know where the road is leading you.  I am not even sure what to hope for at this point.

 

I do know that I am lucky not to be walking the road alone, and my sweet friend isn't either.   I have wonderful friends who support me and it's a two way street. 

 

Someone posted the following on facebook today. 

 

I am praying for courage, faith and hope for myself and 'my besties' as we embrace today-one step at a time.

 

 

 

You do not need to know precisely what is happening, or exactly where it is all ...going. What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges offered by the present moment, and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope....Thomas Merton

Lucas' adult league basketball team rocks!

1st quarter score pictured- they won easily 62-54.  So happy Lucas has this fun talented team to play with every Sunday.  : )  Update on his Corbett team- Lucas got to play yesterday and the last game of the season is Tuesday against a very tough team in our League.  Should be fun! So happy Lucas didn't have to miss the entire season and mostly proud of his attitude about it all. 
I learn something from him everyday.

Why is life so cruel sometimes...

.... to the people who least deserve it???

It's no secret that I have been really sad for two and a half years.

You don't watch your husband suffer and die and not lose a part of your heart. There's scar tissue, that's hard and crusty and sometimes inflamed.

The worst part though is watching your children suffer too. Not knowing how to even begin to heal their hurt. Matthew is going through something that is life changing and frightening and just plain tough.

Again, all I can do is stand by and pray.

Lucas has his own struggles. Being just 15 when Nick passed, and a freshman in high school is really almost too much to bare. That time of life is so fraught with changes and emotions anyway.

Lucas had to have surgery at the start of last year and he just never got well. His doctor's were worried too. They checked him out for mono, leukemia and ran tests including sonograms and MRI's for everything. The final conclusion was that his immune system was weakened by stress.

He ended up missing nearly 6 weeks of school. Corbett has a required AP class regimen. It's a rigorous tough curriculum. It's difficult to make up all the lost work and valuable class instruction when you are sick so much. Lucas hated being sick and he hated missing school.

Apparently, Lucas didn't pass one of his courses due to missing so much class time. The OSAA regulations state that a student may not play a school sponsored sport if he carries an incomplete from the prior semester.

So, on the bus ride to one of his first regular season basketball games he was informed by the coach that he couldn't play. He sat on the bench-embarrassed and humiliated.

Lucas has always cared (sometimes too much) about pleasing his authority figures, about doing the right thing and never getting into trouble. I have a funny story about him punishing himself when he was only four. He sent himself to his room for being mean to Christian.

Lucas has more integrity than most anyone I know.

So, fast forward 3 weeks. He finally finished all missing assignments and tests for last year's AP Psychology  It was over 30 hours of work. He accomplished that on top of his regular schoolwork for this year. The work mostly entailed re-taking failed exams. The teacher was concerned that Lucas could cheat- so instead of just taking the tests- he had an open book and was required to write a paragraph for each question and the page number in the text book. One test alone had 82 questions. There were 6 tests and 2 assignments.
Like I said hours of work and all the while the basketball season is going on without him. He wasn't allowed to attend practices or ride the bus with the team. If you know Lucas, then you you know this was torture for him.

Yesterday, Lucas was informed by our athletic director that he could suit up for tonight's game. You should have seen Lucas! He was jumping up and down and happier than I have seen him for a very, very long time. I shared in his joy and I felt such pride in his accomplishment.

So he came to the game and-
sat.on.the.bench.
It was a blow out game and everyone played-but Lucas.

Afterwards the coach pulled him aside and asked- 'You didn't really expect to play did you? Everyone else has earned the right to play- they've put in the time and gone to every practice. You won't play tomorrow either and probably not the next game'.

That only leaves the last game of the season. If that.

Basketball is everything to Lucas. It's the one thing that brings him joy. He lives for it all year long.

It's the one thing that while he is playing allows him to forget about how hard our lives have become and how much he misses having a Dad. Tonight as I sat in the stands watching Lucas sit on the bench-I got more and more sad.
I heard the father's cheering their son's on- and my heart broke in a million pieces for Lucas.
He wouldn't hear his Dad cheer him, even if he could have played.

That my friends is just too cruel.

Here is a young man who has never missed a practice, always done what was expected of him and more and yet
he is being treated like he doesn't matter.
He is hurting and I am about as broken as I ever have been.

I have always tried to take a lesson from life's bumps and I know Lucas will too regarding this.

But there are some things you can't get ever get back-
the potentially best basketball season of your life
and the more important losses.

Like your greatest champion.

A-O River! Portlandia on IFC features the Sandy River

The season 2 opener of Portlandia showed footage of our property.
They filmed there last summer- at the Greek camp down the road (that's how we access it) and they also filmed at Lewis and Clark Park. Peter can attest to the fact that Portlanders love the Sandy River! Thousands of cars line the road on hot summer days.

I absolutely love this show- there is a saying around Portland: Keep Portland Weird.

Life's different here for sure and I love how Portlandia parodies that.
Check it out on IFC
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Christian has the O'Connell 'swag'....

http://www.worldsapartphotography.com/

...and a beautiful and lovely girlfriend.

Christian's girlfriend Hannah- (pictured here)- is so talented. She is a gifted photographer and you can check out her work on her web site.

This is My Story-- Ben Breedlove

When Matthew was four years old he was standing beside me while I was cooking at the stove. He said 'Mommy I've been to heaven you know'.
I asked,Really? When?
'Yes, when I was in your tummy. I loved it in heaven and I didn't want to come back, but God said I had to.'

I get the goosebumps all over again when I remember that moment. Matthew didn't know that we had some very tense minutes during his birth when we lost his heart beat. The umbilical chord was wrapped around his leg. We lost him for a short while.

I know that God has a plan for Matthew's life- something greater than we can imagine. I know that this life is short and blessed and that our reward will come at the end of it no matter how long that life is.

My elderly aunt is nearing the end of her life this week. She lost her beloved husband a little over 2 years ago. In her current state of twilight- she has been having conversations with him. It's comforting for my cousins to hear their Mom speak to their Dad- they will soon be together.

No one ever completely leaves us- really.

The following video has gone viral this week and it really touched me.  It reminded of Matthew's experience and the beauty of the promise. The young man in this video passed away a week after posting it on Christmas Day.   He's in a better place, the place no one ever wants to leave.

It's a bit windy today in Corbett....

Local weather geeks always run up to Crown Point to play in the wind. Today they clocked a 105 MPH gust. You probably wouldn't pick any time in January to visit, because it's a daily experience this time of year. Last time we had 121 MPH- we lost a stand of trees with root balls 10 feet around.

Winter Song 12.16

Humans die-love never does.

The best Christmas song ever (IMHO)

When I hear this version of the song by Michael English- I get goosebumps.

The message rings so true for me and helps keep me grounded in this sometimes frantic season.

Merry Christmas to you and yours-
Love,
Kimberley

A Tribute to Brandon Roy

Brandon Roy retired from the Blazers this week. Too young, too soon, too unfair. One of my fondest memories is going to a Blazer game on Christmas with Nick and the boys- the game that Brandon scored 40 points against the Lakers and we won. Everyone was cheering so loud and on the max ride home- there was a party going on! Nick loved basketball and as a family it's one of our favorite past times. I don't know who could take Brandon's place on the team- he was nothing short of a miracle on the court, every time. He never let his team or fans down. I'm going to miss cheering for him.
Thank you Brandon for bringing principles and good sportsmanship back to Portland. We will miss you!

Lunar Eclipse from Oregon

Lucas and I woke up early to see the Lunar Eclipse this morning. This is a photo taken by my friend Kim Patterson's talented daughter. It was really moving (no pun intended)and just makes me mindful of how God created this spectacular, beautiful, complicated world for us to enjoy.

Going with the flow

I have joined the twitter world. I'm not sure how it works exactly, but I'm not happy with facebook these days. You can tweet me @skygaloc

Moon over crown point last night

I never tire of this beautiful view.

Lucas had the best game of his life!

OK- I can't post this on facebook or he would kill me for 'bragging'.
But Lucas scored 31 points! in a basketball tournament this weekend. He was named on the 'all tournament team' for point guard.

So excited to see Lucas' hard work pay off for him. Basketball is his passion. He has grown nearly 7 inches this year and at 5'10" is no longer the shortest player on the team.

He has always admired Steve Nash and has taken more pride in his passing game and assists- but this day the team needed someone to step up and score and Lucas answered the call.

I will post a youtube video highlight reel later.

I doubt he will have many more games like this one- but it's encouraging to see the possibilties for Luc and his basketball season.

XOXO,
Kimberley

PS: Don't tell him I told you. ; }

A brighter future begins...

....with a great education.

Matthew is working towards his degree in business marketing this Fall at Eastern Oregon University. Class of 2013!

Christian has been accepted to Warner Pacific College beginning this Fall term as a transfer student. Christian's goal is to become an attorney.

Very proud of our boys for taking these important steps to further their education. Grateful for FAFSA loans and grants that make it possible.

Mother's Day gift... priceless

Courtesy of the very talented Hannah Robinson- the boys sat for a photo shoot and presented them to me in a collage frame for Mother's Day.
I was really surprised and very touched.

I have the most awesome sons ever.

And of course they happen to be the most handsome as well.

XOXO,

This is my favorite. Check out Tessa!  : )

kimberley

TWENTY FIVE YEARS AGO....

Wow, first of all I can't believe I haven't visited this page in 6 weeks?!  Where has the time gone?
Happy Birthday to Christian on January 17th.  We celebrated with his close friends Tim and Seth at their favorite restaurant: Changs Mongolian Grill.  Second year in a row- I guess that means it's a tradition?
Our family has a great love of traditions. 
They give life order and a sense of continuity- which we desperately need.
Especially now.

Lucas is nearly at the end of his Sophomore year basketball season.  It's not been the best season.
We haven't had a consistent coach and the team is too big.  It's scattered a bit and it makes it difficult to
get a great team chemistry going. But we've been fairly succesful and I have enjoyed cheering these boys on-that I have watched grow up with Lucas.  They are a wonderful group of kids.
The best part about living in Corbett and attending the school here is spending time with the families we've grown to love.

And lastly...tomorrow, February 2nd 2011. 
The day I married Nick 25 years ago. 
I am not sure the East Coast O'Connell's even know???  That Nick and I were married twice!
We were engaged at Christmas time- we set the date for 8/10 to let family have a chance to make travel arrangements and for us to book the church, reception hall, etc...
But we soon found a house to buy.  It had once belonged to my grandmother Bernice Cooper.  It had a lot of great memories for me.   And the price was right.
However, I did not want to move into that house and not be married.
Nick didn't care really care.  But I certainly did.
I'm a traditional girl for sure.
So we bought the house and we eloped!

Nick's best friend Thomas and my good friend Susan were witnesses for us.
A judge married us on a Sunday afternoon.
It was tres romantic.

Poor Nick- it created a lot of confusion over the years- having 2 anniversaries!
He would always ask about 2 days before the big day- are we celebrating this one? (February) or the OTHER one?(August). 
I of course, had to remind him that they both count and we should celebrate everything!

Girls are like that.

This morning I woke up at 6AM wishing someone would bring me my morning cup of coffee to bed.
Nick always did that- even when he was sick. 
I miss him so much and I wonder how we would have celebrated tomorrow?
I'm sure it would have been sweet and I would have been spoiled-just as I have been for half my life with the husband I never deserved.

XOXO,
Kimberley
My song for Nick today-

An early Christmas present for us-Range Hood installed

I have been so lucky to know some really generous people.  One of those is Russ Prewitt.  He is an amazing person-AND bagpiper!
He came over this week and worked very hard to help me get the range hood installed.  He finished today.  And then left to work 10 more hours at Alaska Airlines.   Very, very generous.
And as you see here- he does fine work.
We are getting closer to finishing this facelift in the kitchen.
Still don't have propane hooked up or windows trimmed out and painted-but we're making progress!
I am still stunned at how lovely and charming it turned out.
The boys said "Mom, it looks like you took all of your favorite things and just threw them together".
and that's a BAD thing????
That's exactly what I did. 
I dreamed up this Kitchen and dreamed about this kitchen for about 20 years. 
I hope the boys and I can enjoy many more years of family dinners here...
that includes you of course!

I took these pictures with my phone camera- so they're not the best, but you get the idea....  : )
Photo below is our Christmas tree with gifts beneath from Ozzie!!!!!!!  Thank you so much!

Nick's corner.
Kimberley and the boys....

One Year ago...

I can't believe it's been one year.  It hardly seems possible.  We miss Nick everyday and we always will.This day is too hard to even write about.




It's impossible to believe even after one whole year that Nick is gone and really never coming back.




We couldn't have survived this year without all of the love and support from our close friends and especially from the O'Connell family. 

 Thank you John and ozzie for coming to visit and for feeding us and cheering us and letting Nick know he was never alone in the journey.  And John for making Christmas happen last year with a tree and gifts for all.  We will never forget what you both did for our whole family, as well as your brother.

Thank you Jenny for making Thanksgiving bearable, by radiating your joy into our lives.

Thank you Peter and Adele for cooking and hugging and massages and gifts and advice and....everything!

Thanks Nancy and Vinny for sharing your time and for the winning pool cue!

Nick loved his friends and your visits did more than cheer him- they gave him the will to fight.  He didn't want to leave any of you.

Camp and the brothers- Nick loved nothing more.  This smile says it all.

Clan O'Connell-words can't express our love and gratitude for this great, great family.
Rare and beautiful love.

Today was endurable because of all the support we have.  I was thinking about this time last year every hour and remembering what we were doing every second of Nick's last day.  Remembering when Peter left, how scared I was. I called my friend and asked her to come.  Please come is all I could get out and she did.  Linda Mack was here with us for 24 hours.  She was amazing and we couldn't have made it through the day without her.  I still don't know how she kept us all going.  Hospice came, but they didn't stay.  They came and evaluated, ordered pain medication that was delivered at the door and then they were gone.  It was too much for us and just so frightening.  Thomas came and stayed as long as he could also.  What would we all do without friends and family? 

We love you very much and thanks for the outpouring of love today.

XOXO,

..short clip of Nick being a great Dad-fishing with the boys in Idaho in 2008

Kimberley and Matthew and Christian and Lucas O'Connell

Lucas

Lucas 2008 basketball season

We're excited about a new basketball season.  This video is from 2008. 

Of course we didn't make one for last year.  No one felt like it.  

This is going to be a great season for our cards we have a great team, and Lucas has learned to love making the assist as much as making the shot. 

Lucas needs to work on his confidence.  Nick always encouraged him.  As have just about every referee we've met.  I think they see the fight in the smallest kid on the team and how much he can do with sheer will power and focus.  But Lucas just sees in himself a small kid who can't dunk. (yet).

Of course he's not the smallest kid on the team this year!  : )

XOXO,
k.

I love this kid!

Giving Thanks

The day I have been dreading for months came and went.  Thanksgiving.
It's not that I don't have a heart of gratitiude for all I have been given. 

It's just THIS YEAR is so very hard.

There is always this pressure during the holidays to be happy, to have wonderful experiences with family and for some sort of perfection.   I have always struggled a bit with that.

Last year at this time is when Nick really started taking a turn for the worse.  At the time I was in some sort of fog bubble.  Too close to the forest to see the big tree falling.  This year as it draws near the one year marker, I find myself reliving it all more vivdly than before.  Dreams are relentless and sleep doesn't come easy.   December 16th looms.  It's the next hurdle.

But this holiday we did much, much better than I ever thought we would.  I ruined a perfectly good turkey-AGAIN!  "What is with you Kimberley- it's easy?!"  But we laughed a lot, saw a movie and had a wonderful visit with best friends Linda and Tom Mack. 

Matthew and I were talking about how we learned through this last 18 months that what you fear you can't endure-God gives you strength to  rise above, face head on and even find the ability to feel joy.

We spoke of gratitiude for our family- especially the East Coast O'Connell clan.  Our good faithful friends and a warm home home in a beautiful setting. 

We're grateful that Adele was able to recover from surgery enough to enjoy the day. Beautiful Jenny came home from Ghana with a nasty infection in her leg, but grateful that she is recovering and has a great support group in San Francisco.  

Christian is grateful for the love in his life-Hannah.  Lucas is grateful for the promise of a new basketabll season and Matthew may be offered a new opportunity with his employer.

I of course am grateful for my boys who continue to enrich my life with pride and joy and inspiration.

We're all starting a new chapter in our lives, gaining independance and the confidence that we have the strength to carry out the dreams that Nick had for us.

God bless you dear friend-thanks for caring and as always thanks for loving us.
XOXO,
Kimberley

Crown Point at Sunrise- Corbett, Oregon

Had to share this photo a friend took.  I feel so lucky to live in such a beautiful place!

The Gorge-- from The Women's Forum- Corbett, OR

PUNKIN

I know I posted awhile back that I would not have anymore pity parties here. 

I lied.

As we speak, our orange tabby cat-Punkin is lying on the floor of my bathroom.  Not eating or drinking-sleeping mostly. He won't be with us much longer. 

I brought Punkin home from the parking lot of Alberstson's in October-1995,  He was the last kitten in a cardboard box- offered up by a sweet little girl.  I had never owned a cat before and decided we needed one!  Living in the country-everyone needs a cat to maintain the rodent population. 

Punkin was the cutest little thing!  I went to school to pick up Christian one afternoon, shortly after we got the kitten, only to come home and find Punkin had his head caught between the slats of the kitchen chairs.  It's about a 2 inch gap.
How the heck did he ever get his head in there in the first place?  It was not easy getting him unstuck.
There was bleeding and pain involved.  Mine- not his.

He didn't stay little, he got huge and reminded me of a lion.

That's the thing about Punkin' he was kind of a Cujo cat.

He would lurk on the stairs until one of the kids would innocently  walk by and THWACK! His little paw would come out and he would swipe at the ankles.  
Tiny, little, scary cat.  Matthew was scared to death of him.

He has done his job over the years and brought us all kinds of 'gifts' left on the door step.  He was a great hunter.

He also had a knack for knowing when someone in the house was sick and he would come climb on the ill person's lap.  Other than that he didn't really care to cuddle.  I always wondered how he knew???
He turned himself into a liveing breathing hot water bottle.  Cool trick.

Today would have been my Mother's 90th birthday.  She loved Punkin.  I think she thought of him as some kind of kindred spirit.  All tough on the outside and jello on the inside.

Punkin- you are a cool cat and I will miss you.  Give Nick and Dixie a swipe for us.

Now, can we please go more than 3 months without losing somone we love?  I seriously think this is the very, last straw.

XOXO,
K.
PS: Punkin passed away this morning.  Godspeed.

A fresh start in the kitchen

Here is the refrigerator cabinet where the pantry used to be.

My range looks so tiny!  It's 30"  The sales rep told me a bigger one would just give me a burner I would never use and cavernous oven that would take longer to pre-heat.  But I wish I had gone with the 36".  I stand and stare out the right window forever.  I love the addition of those 2 windows- they let in so much light!

This is what we call the bar area-or pass through.  It used to be a wall that housed the refrigerator on the kitchen side. Now the upper cabinets hold all of our glassware and the doors on both sides open and are glass.  It's a cool mottled glass that looks like rain.

Another view...I mixed white painted and mocha alder because I thought this bar area would not look right if it were white.

I love this chandelier- it goes with the pendants and it's so so pretty.  Over the island- which used to have hanging pots and pans-remember?

Fireplace with new mantel.  Chandelier from Pottery Barn.  I have another larger one that will be hung (sometime) in the staircase.

 The kitchen Island.  This first bottom drawer houses compartments for trash and recycling.  I love it!  To the right of that is the Sharp microwave drawer.  We will never have burned popcorn again!  Coolest feature: Sensor popcorn!

There she is... I'll load more photos when it's completely done if you want?  Missing: Trim around the windows- in and out.  Baseboard trim too.  Copper range hood.  Backsplash tile.  Draperies/swag curtains.  I have the fabric- I'll make those last. My only serious regret in this kitchen is the choice of marble for counters.  Too, too much headache and worry.  Not for staining like everyone thinks but for the scratching and etching.  But it is very pretty and cool to the touch. 

So what do you think????  : )

My latest obsession

Well, I can't remember how I came upon it, but Goodwill has an auction website-very much like Ebay.
I don't have much art work on the walls of our home because good art- (not the mas produced stuff you find at home stores) is so expensive and I don't have much extra $$ in the budget. 
(Who does these days?)

So, I have been checking out art work- specifically paintings and drawings on the Goodwill website.

I really wanted this painting so, so badly.  I love it!  I started bidding at about $8.  It sold for over $400 with shipping.  Too much for me, but I have been pining away ever since.  If I could do it again- I would have splurged- I love it that much.

I did buy a painting:  (below) for the jam room or maybe for Christian's room if he likes it? 

It was only $6.

BUT the shipping cost is $51!!!!!!!!!!!!!  WHAT the heck? Are you kidding me?!

Kimberley: READ the fine print idiot.  Why oh why do I always do that?

I don't think I like it enough to spend $60, but it's coming to our house anyway.

 It reminds me of New Orleans and that has a special place in Christian's heart as he worked there on a mission trip to help re-build after Katrina.

Check out shopgoodwill.com
Maybe you will find something fun there? 
Just review the shipping and handling charges first!

XOXO,
k

PS: Kitchen is still not done- I'll post photos when it is.  I'm waiting for someone to rescue me and finish my windows(they are only temporarily placed), my range hood needs to be installed and my lights need to be hung.  When all is done, I might be able to get propane to my range so we can eat pancakes and grilled cheese sandwiches and chicken fettucine and.... I'm still so hungry! 

Thank You!

Thank you to everyone who posted/emailed support.  I love you guys and we are going to be OK.  It's just really hard to see the light at the end some days.

No more pity parties here- from now on I'm only going to focus on the positive things in our lives.

Numero uno is you.

XOXO,
K.

I need a lifeguard

We were discussing recently how drowning victims aren't always easy to recognize.
They don't thrash about loudly and make a lot of noise or commotion.
You just see their head, barely above water desperately trying to keep their faces above the surface
Until they can't anymore and they slip under.

I haven't written here for awhile

I feel like that drowning victim.
I am so tired and the effort to keep afloat is sometimes too great.

I worry nonstop about everything, everyday is a new hurdle to climb, a decision to make, a bill to pay, an action that needs my reaction. On their own-no big deal-but daily the stress of it mounts and mounts and mounts. All the while, still feeling the loss of Nick.  Missing him and hurting for myself and for our sons. 

They. lost. their. Dad.

Try as I might, I can't take his place.  I can't give them that sense of security back.
We've all had the rug pulled out from under us.

Nick took care of us and we didn't even know how much until we lost him.

So, here I am trying to keep us all from going under.

I pray daily for strength, for wisdom in all the daily decisions that are to be made and for healing of our broken hearts. 

I haven't been a very good friend or sister or employee or anything for a long time.
Please forgive me for that-

I'm just quietly dog paddling under the surface.

Thanks for caring,

Kimberley

daily mantra

each morning i pad into our closet

what to wear?

i see your jackets and suits

i remember each purchase-at birthdays, holidays, shopping just for fun

i bury my head into the lot and hug them to me-tight

i want you back i want you back i want you back...

Another marker

One year ago yesterday Nick called me at work, crying.  We had the diagnosis of cancer.  I remember I hugged my friend Bill and cried. Even though Nick and I knew in our hearts already what it was, hearing the words was shocking. I raced home from work. Nick greeted me at the door with his bag packed and we went straight to OHSU. One of many visits over the next few months.  He had surgery the following day and spent 3 days in the hospital, mostly for pain management.  The next night after being home, he had to go to the ER for swollen feet and legs.  He would be plagued with that for 6 months, ever worsening.
I sat with him in the emergency room and he was in severe pain and it was barely controllable.  I was praying for God to help us both.  I didn't feel I would have the strength to watch him suffer and to not be able to help him.  I didn't know if I had the courage to be strong for him.  I prayed-Dear God please help me, I can't do this alone. 
Just when I thought I couldn't take anymore, in walked our dear, best friend Thomas.  Bigger than life into the emergency room and he sat with us.  I felt that Thomas was an answer to my prayer from God.  We had many angels over the next 6 months, come into our lives and give us strength and encouragement and kept our spirits lifted. I'm so grateful and can never repay that debt.

I miss most about Nick his calm strength and how he made it seem everything was nothing and all would be well. 

How our lives have changed in one very long, short year.

May God bless you with many years of love in your life- it's the only thing that matters.

Missing Nick

Today is 6 months said since I had to say good bye.
The 16th of every month drops me like a rock

I miss you Nicky and I keep hearing you talk to me in my head
am I going crazy?

I like to think it's because you're still here-
silent as dew
invisible
like the air I breathe
nourishment

all my X's and O's are yours...

Tessa's latest photo

Beautiful disaster

Well, first things first.  Tessa is so cute!  And she is healthy-at least healthier.  She goes back to the vet on 6/21.  She had giardia, coccidia, tape worm and hook worm.  So, she had a rough week-but we finished our meds and she has doubled in size.  She will be 3 months old on June 21.  The house training isn't going so well, but we're working on it. 
I am going to upload my latest photo of her. 
I thought I was getting her for the boys... I thought they needed the life and love that a puppy brings.
I didn't know I would need her so much too.
It's hard to describe the feeling of holding her and she sighs and puts her little chin on my left shoulder-takes another lick of my cheek and goes all soft in my arms.
My broken heart gets a little warmer each time I hold her.

Our cat, Lilly is not sure what to make of her and as of yet, they are not anything close to be being pals, but Tessa keeps trying.  I see Lilly just staring at her, like 'What is WITH you?!"
Then the dog barks and goes completely flat with submission.
So far Lilly is not having any of it.
I think she might be a one dog cat.

So it has been a very busy weekend.  I was lucky enough to get to be in the Starlight Parade, that kicks off the Portland Rose Festival.  I walked along with our Alaska Airlines float.  At first I felt dumb and wanted to hide, but I soon got into the festive atmosphere, the waving people and the ADORABLE children. Oh my gosh, they were so wide eyed and cute and I fell in love with them.  Two little girls each offered me their glow in the dark bracelets.  And tons of kids wanted high fives- you give one and all of a sudden 20 little hands are out there waiting for a slap.  I got completely caught up in the moment and had more fun than I can remember having in a long while.  When I got home I played back the dvr recording so I could catch myself on TV.  My 1.5 second of fame.

Things are starting to come to completion in my kitchen!  I think it is going to be the prettiest kitchen I have ever seen.  Just gorgeous.
Today my friend and amazing builder installed the windows for me.  He did a fantastic job, and it was a little challenging-so I am so happy I had someone I could trust working it out.  I've learned that it's important to have people around you who are honest and that you know have integrity.  I have been really lucky that way, except for the 2 guys that over charged me and did such sloppy work- I actually had to pay to have someone else come re-do what they did.  Other than those two bozos, I have been so fortunate.
I love my electrician, Don.  He comes in and hits the ground running.  He cleans up after himself, he is on time and he actually followed up with me to schedule our finish of electrical.  He is a dream come true.
My hardwood guy is amazing.  He is coming 2 weeks from today to refinish our hardwood floors.
He will be placing the cherry on the sundae.
Next up is dry wall Wednesday and Thursday
The appliances are coming Thursday
The propane tank is being set Friday
Cabinets maybe Friday or Monday?
I will paint over the weekend
Counter tops will be measured after cabinets go in
Chandeliers and pendants will go up last.
I don't know why it has taken so long to get this far, but now that things are happening- it's going fast!

Here are a few pictures of what the kitchen looks like today:

The view from my new and improved HUGE kitchen window...

More later.

XOXO,
k.

Another bump in the road...

It's just a few pot holes... but when you've been on a bumpy ride too long, sometimes you just want off.

Tuesday was supposed to be an adventure to LA and a seat in the Nokia theater for American Idol final episode with Simon.

However-

The night before Christian tells me that his driving exam for his driving test is tomorrow.
Me: WHAT?????!!!!!!!!!!! NO it isn't Christian, it's Wednesday. 
Christian: Mother, I put it on my phone calendar, it's Tuesday.

It's been a long journey getting to this point with Christian.  His last exam was canceled because the night before the test-Lucas broke off Matthew's side view mirror playing basketball , and you sort of need that for the exam.  I had work commitments, so they couldn't use my van.

I felt like Christian needed me this day and I didn't want to be the cause of him not being able to drive to work this summer.  I also understand how nervous he was and I didn't want anything to add to the stress of the occasion.  Namely trying to find an adult to step in.

American Idol tickets don't come along every day-so, I got up at 4:30 am to leave the house at 5:15 to catch an early flight to LA. 

But- I awoke to a huge mess in my bathroom. (Currently puppy quarters at night)Tessa wasn't doing too well. She had bloody stools, and that worried me.

I had to clean up the messes, shower, gather my things for the day and make Lucas a lunch and walk and feed the dog. 

I was a bit late meeting Linda for our rendezvous spot.  She doesn't own a cell phone, so I couldn't call her to tell her I was running late because my puppy was sick and I couldn't find the new toners to change in the printer, so I could print up proof of insurance for Christian and all of the other things that challenged me this morning.  I think there was tension, and I felt so much stress I felt sick.

I just couldn't leave home, traveling so far away with so much happening at home.

It's hard being the only sheriff in town. I've lost my back up. Nicky I miss you more each day...

Sometime between leaving the outlet mall parking lot in Linda's car and arriving at PDX-we turned the car around and canceled the trip.  There were tears.

My heart was so heavy for disappointing my dear friend.  I was stuck in the proverbial hard spot.
Either way I let someone I care about down. 

But being a mother has always come first, and always will.  I know there are people that don't feel that same strong pull or bond with their children, who encourage independence and wouldn't have worried or cared.  But I have never been that person.  My family is my life, and nothing else matters to me.

I had a full, tiring day.
As it turned out-Lucas was sick again with that weird stomach pain, nausea syndrome.  So he was home from school.
The puppy is still not out of the woods, we're waiting for results back from the vet tests.
I took Christian to DMV only to find out that I WAS RIGHT!  His appt. was scheduled for the following day.  Weirdly though- I like to believe it's a God thing- there was a cancellation for the very time we arrived.  So Christian got his test.

I still have not slept passed 4:30 AM since last Friday.

e x h a u s t e d

So, just a few bumps in the road-but Christian has his license!

Congratulations Christian. 
You had a challenge with your left eye blindness that threw a curve ball into the driving issue, but you faced it and I am proud of you- please drive safe.

I hope and pray our puppy is not sick and that Lucas gets well too.

I hope Linda finds some way to understand that I did not intentionally wait until the last minute to
change plans
and
that life sometimes gets in the way of the best laid plans.

All this and I still don't have a kitchen and my window installer no showed on me.

I can't wait to sleep on Saturday- I hope someone takes puppy duty for me!

Love you!

XOXO,
Kimberley

Tessa's Home

Here she is! 

 We picked her up at 11:30 this morning.  American Airlines did a great job of taking care of her.  I think it's only approriate that she has frequent flier miles already!

She is so sweet and cuddly. We've been taking turns holding her all day and I was quickly reminded how much puppies are like babies-time consuming!

Lucas is working very hard to house train her and it's challenging in the pouring rain.  But the guy was incredible patiently standing outside in the rain with her.  She is going to get along fine here because she didn't seem to mind at all, rolling and playing in the wet grass. 

I'm not sure how smart she is, but hey she doesn't have to be smart- she's blonde and beautiful.

XOXO, k

Arrivals

We are grateful for a few things this week.  First and foremost, our love button Tessa,  is coming Friday sometime. We will pick her up at PDX together.  Lucas is counting the minutes until she arrives.

Another unexpected arrival this week- WINDOWS! 
Oh. My. Gosh. 
I did not think I would ever be excited over windows.  But their early arrival is helping the kitchen process so much!
That means that as soon as it can be scheduled, they can be installed after the electrician moves the wiring and outlets tomorrow night.  That also means that the dry wall can be installed next week early and the walls painted shortly after.  That leaves everything ready for the cabinets.  Which should be done about June 5th.
I need my sink which is still in China being shipped with the range hood.

I chose my counters and I have selected white carrara marble. 

I made a fun visit to Pental  A granite/stone distributor here in the NW. It is a huge warehouse for stone and tile.  I had fun looking at all of the beautiful stone.  And yet, I kept coming back to the marble section.  I have heard the horror stories about how it is too porous and everything stains.  But new sealers are incredible these days.  So... They gave me a sample of honed marble, treated it with a sealer and said-" Try and stain it".  I tried and everything beaded up and wiped off with a towel.  I gave it coffee, salad dressing, mustard, strawberries and blueberries.  Nothing stuck!
So there myth busters!  I have always loved marble and I am so happy. 

After cabinets arrive, we will have floors refinished and base board and light fixtures installed.
I think about 4 weeks from now, I will have a lovely, complete kitchen.

I'm attaching some photos- one of which is my range hood.  It is unfinished, but still so awesome!

We have so much to be thankful for and always it is tempered with our broken hearts over losing Nick.
It would only be better if he were here.

XOXO,
Kimberley

PS: Happy 20th anniversary to my best friends Hudson and Kevin!  I hope you have 100 more!